"The Strange Case of 'Susan-I-Tis'"

Part Seven of "In Touch With His Soul, An Interview with Walden Welch", as conducted by Gina Cerminara. 

Dr: "Was this because your aunt told Julia that she made the mistake of letting you know Marilyn was your sister, as well as your upsetting reaction to this?"

WW: "No, I don't think so. I don't think Lorraine ever told Mom that she had unknowingly given me facts as to my relationship with Marilyn. I imagine that Lorraine thought since Mom had never told me the truth about Marilyn it was because she didn't want me to know. Therefore, I would assume that Lorraine may have felt guilty she had, in essence, let the 'cat out of the bag' and said nothing about the matter, with hopes I would not either."

Dr: "Did Lorraine ask you not to tell Julia she had told you?"

WW: "No, I don't recall that she did. I doubt that she did. Lorraine was an extremely honest and outspoken person. She was not one to feel it necessary to keep a secret about anything. I was the secretive one. Lorraine knew that I would never tell Mom anything that might upset her, due to her poor health. Because of this fact, I feel certain Lorraine knew I would not divulge what I knew."

Dr: "Surely you discussed the fact that you were aware that Marilyn was your sister at some point in your lives?"

WW: "No, no I did not. I never confronted Mom with the fact I knew about Marilyn. I kept the secret of my knowing all through her life. Naturally I wanted desperately to ask her, to question her, to have her tell me the truth. I never worked up the nerve to ask. I was too afraid of hurting her, of making her confess to something which would be so personal and painful for her."

Dr: "Did you confront Marilyn herself about the facts that you knew?"

WW: "Not until we were young adults. You see·I did not know if Marilyn was aware of the truth, that we had the same mother. I assumed she believed that Grandma and Grandpa were her natural parent's. She always called them Mom and Dad."

Dr: "So you kept your silence to protect Marilyn as well as Julia?"

WW: "Yes, I did. Later in life I, of course, regret that I did but at the time I did all I knew to do. Naturally, in that I was a child, I thought and behaved as a child. Of course, I would have done things differently had I then had the wisdom and maturity that I have today. Having kept this secret prevented Marilyn and I from ever bonding as a bother and sister. I went through our childhood and teenage years pretending that she and I were cousins. It was not until I was in my mid teen years that I learned Marilyn knew that I was her brother from the very beginning. I guess she kept her silence to protect me. The whole thing is sadly ironic!"

Dr. "Sadly ironic indeed! You stated you had always wanted a sister, yet the innocence and protectiveness of childhood idealism prevented you from that dream. I find it more than strange that Julia never found the right moment to tell you considering the importance of Marilyn's role in your life."

WW: "This was my own fault. This was due to my own personal shortcomings. I was so idealistic. I would escape from anything ugly. I would pretend bad things did not exist. This is not to say that anything regarding Marilyn herself, or that she came into this world so called illegitimately, was bad or ugly·but the fact that Mom may have been raped, or given Marilyn away intentionally·or that my father did not want her because another man was her natural father·these 'perhaps-es' were to me too awful to want to confront. Mom was, more than anyone else, well aware of my prudent idealism. I know she feared she would lose my love had she shared the truth about Marilyn with me. It bothered Mom terribly that I placed her on a pedestal. I blame myself that she kept the secret. I wouldn't allow her to be less than perfect. I think she knew that the truth would come out in time and when it did I would have the maturity to accept it as well as the reasoning to understand it. I was born with Virgo Rising and the Moon in Pisces·NOT an easy combination in that they are in opposition to each other. The Virgo Ascendant can be so Victorian in its idealism and judgments, while the Pisces Moon tends to be the 'escapist'. It does not like to deal with 'the uglies'. It is too sensitive to want to deal with harsh truths."

Dr: "I assume the day finally came when you found out who Marilyn's father was as well as the circumstances regarding why she never lived with you?"

WW: "Yes, many years later. Marilyn discussed it with me. It was not, however, until 1971 at my mother's funeral that I stumbled onto what may have been the key to 'the real truth'. It concerns an intricately woven gold crucifix which I asked the funeral director to place around my mother's neck in her coffin. Mom had always told me it was her favorite piece of jewelry, so naturally I though it appropriate considering the funeral and considering the sentiments I was going through that day. It was a strange occurrence, the way I stumbled onto the truth, and it would put finality to the truth about Marilyn. It was an unexpected and somewhat shocking closure, but so beneficial for Marilyn and myself. I cannot say that is true for my father however."

Dr: "Please share the experience?"

WW: "No, not at this time, if you don't mind. I would rather keep the incident in sequence and that comes later in my life."    

Dr: " Very well. I think you are right. It's best to keep the structure of this interview in sequence as to your age and the events you were experiencing at each period of your life. Therefore, let us go back to the time in which you were allowed to return to your home following your stay with your Aunt Lorraine and your Uncle Bill Mize. Why were you allowed to return home? What circumstances brought this about?"

WW: "I think I more or less pleaded and begged to come home. I convinced Mom everything would be o.k. if I came home. It's the only occasion I remember seeing her in all the months I had been away. Now realize·I did see her, I just don't remember. Maybe too many years have passed and I have forgotten other visits, or maybe I was too depressed during that period to recall. I don't know. I only remember this one visit. I recall sitting in a chair at the foot of her hospital bed. There was a blue-mirrored coffee table in front of my chair. I remember there was a candy dish filled with peanut shaped marshmallows candies in it. Isn't it funny what the mind remembers and holds onto? I have never forgotten sitting in that chair and starring down at that dish of candy. It's strange that I would remember that so vividly. I recall being terribly sad and holding back tears that I wanted to cry. Mom seemed a million miles removed from me, like there was a thick glass wall between us."

Dr: "Do you mean she was removed in attitude?"

WW: "No, I was somewhere deep inside myself trying to find words to say without saying what was sincerely bothering me. I was holding back the truth of my sorrow and not being able to be honest with her made me feel very, very separated. "

Dr: "That you were aware of the facts about Marilyn and afraid she had willingly given her away and maybe you too as well?"

WW: "Yes, but I couldn't ask her this. I couldn't tell her I knew about Marilyn. I was trying to think of a way to ask her if she had given me away without telling her what I knew. So I finally broke down and asked her if she had given me to Lorraine and Bill. I told her about Lorraine asking me if I wanted to be adopted. That's the reason I used to discover why I had been sent away."

Dr: "And what did Julia reply?"

WW: "She appeared to be startled by my question. I remember the look on her face. She looked very concerned, truly shocked.  She was obviously not expecting me to ask if I had been given away. She looked like she wanted to cry, but she didn't. She spoke to me very slowly and tenderly with great concern in her voice. She asked me to lie beside her in her bed so she could talk to me, so I crawled up on the bed beside her. Mom kept hugging me, kissing me on my forehead and running her hand through my hair. She said, 'Sweetheart, I promise you there is no truth in that. I would never in this world ever give you away. I could never do that! I'm heartbroken that you could even think that. Please forgive me for making you have any doubts. I had no idea you thought that. I swear to God Almighty I could never give you up for adoption to anyone. I only asked Lorraine to have legal custody of you should anything happen to me. I know you like her so much and that should anything happen to me you would be safe with her. I'm getting better, Sweetie. I'm getting much better and nothing will happen to me. I won't die. I promise you I won't die and leave you. Don't you know that I love you more than anyone in this world?' She kept kissing my forehead and saying, 'I love you more than anything in this world.'"

Dr: "Did her talk with you convince you that you had not been given away with the intention of having you adopted?"

WW: "Most definitely! There was no doubt that that was not Mom's intention. You would have had only to hear the concern and tenderness in her voice to know that. She then told me that she thought it best that I come home right away, but that I would have to promise her that I would tell her if Guy ever hit me or did anything mean to me. I asked her how she knew about this and she said that Sue had told her everything she knew about how badly Guy treated me a couple of days after Brutus had been killed."  

Dr: "So you shared your experiences of Guy's abuses with Sue and Ken?"

WW: "Yes, I did. There was no one else I could tell but them. So Mom made me promise I would not keep any more secrets from her that I would report anything bad that Guy did to me the minute it happened. It was with this agreement that I was allowed to return home."

Dr: "And did you keep this promise?"

WW: "No, not completely. But, in truth, Guy wasn't near as bad after I returned. We just kept distant from each other. I did what I was told to do. We rarely spoke to each other anyway. Also, a neighbor lady, Parker Thompson, was hired to help care for Mom as well as do the housework. She was a wonderful lady who lived just a few blocks away. She cared for Mom while I was at school. I didn't have to cook or clean the house anymore. I know Guy was against putting out the money to hire her but Mom insisted on it. She got to the point to where she didn't even try to be nice to Guy anymore. She demanded the things she and I needed."

Dr: "You never really mentioned much about Julia and Guy's personal relationship. Do you think there was any love between them?"

WW: "I know Mom tried very hard to love him and be a good wife. Before she became ill she would always cook the foods she knew both he and I liked. She would call him 'Sweetie' and 'Honey'. She even asked me to change my last name from Welch to Foss, hoping that this would cause Guy to regard me as his son. Yes, Mom tried most sincerely to make their marriage a happy one. Guy's affairs with other women and his treatment of me is what destroyed their relationship. But Mom felt very guilty about her sickness and how it burdened him. She hated being dependent on anyone and she felt she owed him all she could give as payment for our care. That's why she put up with so much - until she learned about the way he treated me behind her back. After Sue and Ken told her how Guy treated me, Mom never again behaved well to Guy. All she wanted was to get well so she and I could leave. Of course, Guy was not aware of her plan.

"It wasn't long after I returned home that Mom's doctor allowed her to begin to learn to walk again. Parker and I would take turns teaching her, holding her so she wouldn't fall, that sort of thing. Her many, many years of being bedridden with rheumatic fever made her incredibly weak. Teaching her to walk again was like teaching a child. But Mom was very determined to be well and independent once again, so she urged Parker and me to give her walking lessons every free moment we had. Before long, she was able to function entirely on her own.  Seeing her recover brought great hope to me that the day would come when she could leave Guy and we would get a home of our own. What Mom did not tell me, however, was the fact that her bout with rheumatic fever had done further damage to her heart. The truth was that she was now in worse condition that she was before her heart surgery. Her heart surgery had been done to correct a collapsed aorta. Mom's ordeal with rheumatic fever had badly damaged her heart valves. Her doctors had reported this to her, of course. She had been aware of this all the time she was ill, but kept this from me. I believe she kept it from Guy as well. I think she was determined to leave him no matter what her physical condition was, just so long as she could once again walk. But, so far as I knew, our lives were getting better and we had hopes for a new future. Everything seemed so hopeful for us until one day in early April I became very sick. It was the only time in my lifetime I had ever been really ill."

Dr: "What happened to you?"

WW: "I don't know to this day. It was all so very peculiar and complex. When I finally got better even the doctors didn't know. It was the strangest damn thing! At first they were certain I had spinal meningitis and wanted to quarantine me in the hospital.  In fact the doctor was certain that that is what I had and told Mom my prognosis for recovery was 'impossible' and he was certain I would die. Mom refused to have me quarantined in the hospital and kept me at home where she nursed me herself. I had an extremely high fever and unbelievably severe headaches that lasted three solid days. I would hear Mom crying and praying in her room, but when she was with me she never showed her fear. I didn't know it then, but spinal meningitis is what my father's father died of at the age of nineteen. I suppose Mom thought I might have inherited the likelihood of contacting the disease. She really suffered those three days. I had never ever seen her so worried and visibly frightened. Sometimes I could hear her praying in her bedroom. I know she believed that God was directly punishing her for her sins by taking me. I wondered if she thought my illness was retribution for her having given up Marilyn. I loved her so much I could not imagine anything else wrong that she could have possibly done. In her prayers she begged God not to let me die, but to take her instead. I wanted so much to help her but I was almost paralyzed by my headache. It was almost impossible for me to move or open my eyes. Seeing light was agonizing. Finally, out of nowhere, on the morning of the fourth day I awoke feeling normal. It was as if nothing whatsoever had happened to me. Strangest of all was the fact that I awoke with an intensely craving hunger for sauerkraut and Almond Joy candy bars! Can you imagine the combination? Mom phoned the doctor who told her to let me eat exactly what I craved. He said my system obviously needed whatever ingredients those two foods supplied. I think I ate three cans of sauerkraut and nine or ten candy bars and felt great! The doctors were never able to diagnose what illness I had suffered. Their final assumption was that I had contacted 'Cat Scratch Virus', until they found out I had not been around any cats.  This will sound very strange, but I think I suffered from some condition related to 'Spirit Attachment' and adrenalin. At least that is what I later diagnosed my strange condition to be. However, I did not know what to think at the time."

Dr: " Spirit Attachment and Adrenalin? Whatever do you mean?"

WW: "Well, my sickness came upon me just four or five days following the death of a little boy named Eugene. He lived down to the far end of our block. Eugene and I were never personal friends, but we went to the same school and shared the same classes. Eugene's death was my first experience with death. Tragically, one day he accidentally hanged himself. I shouldn't say accidentally actually because no one was certain whether his death was an accident or a suicide. I know that is was an accident, however. What happened was that Eugene had been playing a game of 'Peter Pan and Captain Hook'. On the ledge of the roof of his parent's garage he nailed a wooden plank as if it were attached to a ship·you know? A ship's gangplank?"

Dr: "Yes."

WW: "He nailed a leather belt to the gangplank and next he fastened the belt around his neck as if it were a hangman's noose·then he jumped, playing as if he were being executed by Captain Hook. He was recreating a scene he had seen in the movie. He didn't mean to kill himself. He just got carried away playing the game. I remember Joanie and I being at his wake, which took place at his parent's home. Many of our neighbors were there. It was late evening and the stars were out. For some reason we children were not allowed into the house. I recall a small group of us standing outside in the cold night air. The wooden belt with the attached leather belt still remained on the garage roof ledge. Why someone had not removed it I do not know and cannot imagine, considering the horrific happening associated with it. I recall us children just standing there staring at it and silently wondering how death could happen so suddenly.  Joanie and I were holding hands to keep warm; I remember that. I think we were all frightened and confused. I will never forget one very beautiful moment: a little red haired girl who I did not know, looked up at the sky and pointed to a bright twinkling star and said, 'There's Eugene! Mama said when people die they become stars.' I thought her acknowledgement was lovely and magical, and perhaps true. The next thing that happened was almost too incredible to believe. Suddenly appearing on the roof was Eugene! He was by himself looking down on us and waving his hands and laughing. He kept saying, 'Hi everybody. Hi!' I was so surprised I yelled out, 'Hey look! Eugene's up on the roof! He isn't dead! He was just joking.' Everybody including Joanie asked me what I was talking about, 'Can't you see him?', I asked. 'He's up on the roof waving to us. Can't you see him?' The little redheaded girl began to cry and said, 'Stop that! That isn't funny. You're scaring me. That's not funny. You shouldn't lie!' It was after her comment that I realized I was the only person who could see Eugene and that it was Eugene's spirit and not his body that I was seeing."

Eugene

Dr: "Did this frighten you?"

WW: "Not at first. From what I remember of the experience, I was more amazed than frightened by what I saw. Eugene looked so totally alive. He appeared to be solid and in the flesh, not a ghostly apparition. Therefore, it was hard for me to believe that he was dead. I'm certain he did not know that he was. He just kept waving at us and saying, 'Hey·here I am! Here I am!' Then he would walk across the roof with a very comic stride, fasten the belt around his neck and then jump from the plank in what he thought was a funny and comedic way. It was because of this that I knew he did not commit suicide. It was obvious he was playing a game.  He repeated this performance again and again in a rather dreamlike repetitious manner. And then suddenly out of nowhere he was standing next to me. He said something like: 'Hey, talk to me.' It was then that I began to be afraid. He reached towards me to make contact with my arm and I felt a very tingly electrical shock that really frightened me. I hate the feeling of electrical shock!"

Dr: "Yes, you mentioned that earlier. You said this started when your stepfather Les would give you electrical shock to keep you silent. Please go on."

WW: "It was obvious that Eugene knew I could see him. I think he was confused as to why the other children couldn't. It was clear he was not aware of the fact that he was dead. He looked confused."

Dr: "You say you felt a shock. Did you feel a firmness from his hand itself?"

WW: "No, just a shock. He kept reaching for my arm and I kept pulling away and became upset and frightened. I didn't want Joanie or the other kids to know what I was experiencing, so instead of speaking from my mouth I kept saying 'Go away! Leave me alone!' in my mind. It was a macabre experience. I must have looked to other kids as if I had Saint Vitus' dance. I kept trying to slap him away from me. There was no question that my bizarre behavior was frightening to the other kids. "

Dr: "Did Eugene hear and respond to you?"

WW: "Yes, spirits communicate through thought transference. I knew that from my experience with seeing my great-grandfather's spirit. Eugene heard me all right. I felt badly because he looked hurt and confused, but I was so scared I had to do something. I grabbed Joanie by the hand and told her we had to go home. I took her into Eugene's house to find our moms. Eugene came in with us, too. He started talking to some of the people in the room, but of course they could not hear him. He became very upset; very scared himself. I found Mom and whispered to her what was happening."

Dr: "That you were experiencing seeing the spirit of Eugene?"

WW: "Yes. She looked nervously upset and told people we would have to leave, and then she and I walked home. While we walked I told her all that I had experienced. She had her arm around my shoulder and kept telling me: 'Everything is fine. He can't hurt you. He doesn't mean any harm.' I don't think she really knew what to say. I believe Mom was as confused by this experience as I was."

Dr: "Was this the only time you experienced seeing the spirit of Eugene?"

WW: "No. I saw him twice more. The next time I saw him was a few days later while Joanie and I were walking to school. I saw Eugene across the street across from us. He was waiting for the school bus. It scared me so bad that I grabbed Joanie's hand and we ran as fast as we could to school. From that day on, whenever I stopped by Joanie's house to walk her to school, the two of us would cut through one of our neighbors fields and walk down South Drake Street rather than walk in front of Eugene's house on South Olive."

Dr: "Could Joanie see Eugene standing at the bus stop too?

WW: "No, but she believed me and it frightened her. I had already told her what had happened at the wake. Joanie knew I had psychic things happen to me. She thought it was magical that I had these things happen to me. She was a believer in things supernatural. I guess most all kids are to a degree. She always called my unusual psychic experiences 'miracles'."

Dr: "You say you saw Eugene one more time following the bus stop incident?"

WW: "Yes, just once at school. Mrs. Scott was our teacher. I recall her standing at the front of the classroom talking to our class about something. I was seated at my desk when suddenly; out of nowhere, Eugene was standing next to me and said, 'Hey? Why don't you talk to me? I don't like you.' He reached at me to grab my arm and I felt his 'shock' again. It scared me so bad I screamed out. I remember poor Mrs. Scott looking at me in an amazed and startled way, asking me what was wrong? I yelled out, 'Leave me alone Eugene! Go away and leave me alone!' and then I bolted out of the classroom. I didn't stop running for a moment. I ran all the way home. Strangely enough, that was the last time I ever saw Eugene. It was on the same evening that this happened that my headaches began.

Mrs. Scott

"The incident created great problems for me. The kids began calling me 'Spook' and 'Crazy' and other hurtful nicknames. Mrs. Scott, on the other hand, became very protective of me. Mom evidently had a talk with her about my unusualness, which impressed Mrs. Scott immensely because, Mom said, Mrs. Scott was a great believer in psychic things. So my teacher became very protective of me and gave hell to any kid that called me names. Her protectiveness of me made matters worse for me, however. Naturally the other kids resented my special treatment, so they taunted me all the more when she was not around. There were two black kids in my class, twins actually, Raymond and Donna Tipton. I believe they were the only black kids in my school. They were both very tall and wiry and really liked me a lot. Both Raymond and Donna became my protectors. God help any kid who tried to hit or tease me! Raymond and Donna would punch them out on sight! They called me 'Pee-wee', but meant it in a fond and loving way. They thought my psychic sense was just great and told the other kids that I was 'born with the knowin' eye' and they 'best not mess with me if they knew what was good for them!' So, Raymond and Donna appointed themselves to be my personal bodyguards. They never let me out of their sights for a moment, whether we were in the classroom or playground. I was protected no matter where I went. I think I had told you before that I had always been teacher's pet with all my teachers. I was always a very polite kid, had good manners, was a good student, and never got in any trouble. But mostly, I know, they favored me because Mom was ill and they felt sorry for me. I literally hated being 'Mr. Goody Two-Shoes' because of how the other kids resented me for it. One day a very funny incident happened which I thought would change my reputation forever. Raymond sat in the seat in front of me. During class I tapped him on the shoulder to ask him a question. Mrs. Scott was at the blackboard at the front of the classroom. Suddenly she turned around and snapped, 'There will be NO talking during class!' Thinking that it was Raymond who started the conversation, she said, 'Mr. Tipton, put out your hand so I can hit it with my ruler!' Poor Raymond did as she said. Knowing that this was my perfect opportunity to 'for once be the trouble maker', I stood up proudly, extended my hand and said, 'Mrs. Scott, I'm the guilty one. I spoke to Raymond first. He didn't speak to me.' Poor Mrs. Scott gave me a sadly pathetic look then said, 'Oh? Well, don't do that anymore please', then turned towards the blackboard to continue whatever it was she had been doing. I said, 'But you didn't hit my hand with the ruler. I should be punished. Please hit my hand.'  The poor soul looked like she was going to cry, then she said, 'Well that was your first time so I will excuse you.' 'No,' I replied. 'That isn't fair. You must hit me. I knew better.' Poor Mrs. Scott walked towards me with the most pathetic look I had ever seen. She slapped my hand gently with the ruler and then immediately broke into tears. The next thing I knew, sweet Raymond Tipton was standing beside her holding her in his arms, as she sobbed, saying, 'Everything is o.k. Mrs. Scott. Don't feel so badly. You didn't hurt Pee-Wee bad. I think he kind of liked it.' (Laugh) That was my day of victory! The day when if became just like the other kids."       

Walden's Bodyguards

Dr: (Laugh) What a wonderful story! You were on your way to juvenile delinquency! Now I would like to get back to the circumstances that caused your illness. It was the day you last saw Eugene and ran home from your class?"

WW: " Yes. I just remember being hit by a sudden and violent headache. It came from nowhere. I think it started during dinner. I remember being sick to my stomach and going into the bathroom to vomit. Mom followed me in to see what was wrong with me. I remember her saying that I was 'flushed white', meaning I had no color tone. She became alarmed and phoned a doctor who asked her to bring me to the emergency room right away. They did all sorts of tests and things. I don't recall much of what happened. I just know that within a day or two the doctor came to the conclusion that I had spinal meningitis.  What is important about this is that I know something very psychic was happening to me. I believe this sickness somehow attributed to developing my psychic awareness and abilities."

Dr: "In what way?"

WW: "I'm not exactly certain, but I do know that when I recovered from this I could foresee things that were later going to happen. I did not foresee events as if in pictures, but rather in knowing. I 'knew' this was going to happen. I 'knew' that was going to happen. It is as if someone had told me what was to be and I absolutely knew it. If someone doubted what I said or argued about it with me, I would stand firm and insist that I 'know' this is to be, or 'I know' this happened. It was as if someone had told me of the event having already happened and that this was a fact and a certainty I already knew about·despite what I was telling of had not yet happened and maybe would not for several weeks or months in advance. I never had this precognitive ability before this sickness and I have had it ever since."

Dr; "Precognition? Knowing of events to come in advance of their happening?"

WW: "Yes. For instance, the day I recovered from my illness I blurted out to Mom, 'Ken is going to leave Sue! He's going to divorce her and marry an Indian girl from Oklahoma that he used to go to school with!' I absolutely knew this would be a fact. I didn't know how I knew it, but I knew it to be absolute. It was as if some person who knew this to be a fact had told me but I couldn't remember who that person was. The very idea that our two wonderful friends would separate and that Ken would leave us, was horrendously upsetting for me."

Dr: "And did, indeed, this premonition come to pass?"

WW: "Unfortunately it did, not too longer after I first 'knew' it would be."

Dr: "Do you have any other remembrances of what you dreamed during your sickness?"

WW: "Yes, very well. I still vividly remember what occurred during that experience. Strangely enough I recall dreaming of fields of oil wells, endless fields of oil well derricks. After I recovered from my illness and returned to school I would draw them in art class. Sometimes I would sketch them in pencil, other times I would paint them in watercolors. I became obsessed with oil well derricks, yet I know I had never seen one except perhaps in a movie. There is certainly nothing very attractive about an oil well derrick, but I suddenly, out of nowhere, considered them to be beautiful."

Dr: "How bizarre! Did you know the significance or symbolism they may have held for you?"

WW: "Not at that time. The significance, or importance of their meaning came to me later. The oil derricks were actually a symbolic premonition of things to come in Mom's and my life·several month's down the road."

Dr; "Please go on with whatever else you may recall during your strange illness"

WW: "Mostly I dreamed about a soldier. He was a boy I sensed to be seventeen. He was a tall thin, good-looking boy. I knew he was me, but from another lifetime. He fascinated me because he looked so different than 'me', yet I knew he was 'me'. I'm not certain but I think he was a Confederate soldier. I sensed he was somewhere in The South·some southern state in America. He was wearing a gray wool uniform. I believe it had dark blue stripes on the jacket cuffs and on the trousers. He was very frightened. He was in a grassy pasture surrounded by very green and leafy trees. He was running. Inside himself he kept saying, 'Please God, No more! Please God, help me!' I knew he did not want to be in that uniform. He did not want to be a soldier. He appeared to be very troubled, frightened, worried. Suddenly there was an explosion·smoke from gunpowder·and I felt him dying. He kept thinking and saying, 'Help me God! Help me God,' while he died. He was amazed he died, confused that he died·shocked that he died. And, he was afraid·very afraid. I dreamed this over and over again. There was no variation to this dream. My heart would beat frantically each time I experienced his fear. It was terribly painful."

Dr: "Is this the reference to adrenaline to which you referred?"

WW: "Yes, it is. After I recovered from my sickness I was terrified of being subjected to any thing that might cause me adrenalin rush. I didn't want to play sports anymore. I did not want to compete in spelling bees. I didn't want to play one single simple game in which competition occurred. I never again ever cared who won or lost at anything. I also became horrified that one day the army might recruit me. From that time forward my worst fear was that I might be forced to go into the military. I prayed every night that God would find a way that I would not have to go to war. I would drive Mom crazy asking all sorts of questions as to how to get out of going into the military. Also, I would make up all sorts of excuses to get out of playing sports etc. while at school. I have never recovered from hating competition since that sickness."

Dr: "And you feel that it was your association with identifying with the soldier in your hallucinations that this change came over you? Your experiencing his adrenalin rush during his death?"

WW: "Partially, but not entirely. Prior to, and during the time of my illness, I was experiencing another situation, which had me terribly upset. It was about competition, not concerning myself, but for someone I greatly loved and admired. (Laugh) You're going to think this is the silliest thing you have ever heard. But before you laugh, please remember I was just a kid. Do you recall that I told you I had an absolute fascination for the movie actress Susan Hayward?"

Dr: "Yes."

WW: "I even went so far as to write her a fan letter. She actually answered it, or at least her secretary did. She enclosed a publicity photo of herself along with a personal letter thanking me for writing to her. Mom said her signature was genuine. I took it to school for every 'show and tell' we had. I drove the kids and teachers nuts reading Susan's letter. I NEVER missed one of her movies; in fact I would watch them over and over again. (Laugh) Now I wasn't exactly a teenybopper stalker, but I was madly in love with Susan Hayward! After I recovered from my illness, and considering the doctors couldn't figure out what I had, Mom named my disease 'Susan-I-Tis'.      

Dr: "Susan-I-Tis? Very clever! But how in the world could Susan Hayward have contributed to your illness?"

WW: Because I cared too much. You see, in 1955 she tried to commit suicide. It was all over the headlines in the news. She had taken an overdose of sleeping pills and left a suicide note to her mother. This happened just shortly after she had replied to my fan letter. Being a kid, I couldn't imagine why she hadn't told me she was so unhappy? Mom bought me a beautiful get well card which I sent to her. I told her how sorry I was that she was so unhappy, but also told her how happy she made me, and thousands of other people, too. I thought for sure that would make her feel better. I checked our mailbox everyday, but Susan, of course, never replied. Shortly after her suicide attempt she was nominated for an Oscar for her portrayal of Lillian Roth in the movie "I'll Cry Tomorrow".  I think I was so worried she wouldn't win the Oscar that I fretted myself into my severe headaches. I felt that her winning the Best Actress Award would prove to her how much everyone loved her and she would surely be happy once again. I was so 'in love' with her that I cared 'too' much. I know this sounds crazy, but kids are strange. As ill as I felt, I insisted on watching the Oscar telecast that night. Death couldn't have prevented me! Mom brought me into the living room and made a bed for me on the sofa. My headache was so severe that I could hardly see the television set. There wasn't color TV in those days, just black and white, yet I can still remember how beautiful she looked that evening. I kept my fingers crossed for 'good luck' and silently prayed to myself over and over, 'Please Dear God, Let her win, let her win.' Finally the moment arrived when the Best Actress Award was announced. To my great disbelief, the presenter announced the winner to be Anna Magnani. The moment Susan Hayward lost the Best Actress Award I was so disappointed I cried. Shortly after, my headache stopped and I fell to sleep. The next morning I awoke feeling perfectly normal and well, but I craved sauerkraut and Almond Joy candy bars more than any other food craving I could ever remember. Mom phoned the doctor who told her to feed me exactly what I wanted, that my body craved something within those two foods. Funny thing was that I hated sauerkraut, but I must have eaten six helpings of it along with the candy. The only candy bar I had ever liked was Three Musketeer Bars. I never liked Almond Joys before because I didn't like coconut. Obviously, there was something in my system that needed whatever it was this peculiar combination of food produced. Afterwards, I fully recovered. Mom kept me home from school a few days more to be certain I had fully recuperated from whatever illness it was I had. Joanie brought me gifts while I was ill, but Mom wouldn't let her come into our house to visit me in case I had anything contagious. I remember waking up to a stack of movie magazines Joanie had bought for me, all with articles about Susan Hayward, of course! She also gave me a teddy bear, a big Panda that I named Amanda. The doctors never figured out what had been wrong with me. I truly think I cared too much. From that time on I hated the feeling of adrenalin. I never wanted to play in sports, be in contests or compete in anything. I'm still this way today. I don't like competition of any sort. I know this sounds crazy, but it is a fact about me."

Dr: "And you say that when you awoke from this illness you also acquired the ability to predict future events such as your friends Ken and Sue Martin's divorce due to the fact Ken would leave Sue for a woman he had known prior to their marriage?"

WW: "Yes."

Dr: "Do you recall any other precognitive awarenesses?"

WW: "Yes I do, and it was a terrifying one for me. I knew for certain that my best friend Joanie would soon die."

Dr: "Was this one of those 'knowings' you spoke of? Meaning a 'knowing' like somebody told you?"

WW: "It was. It was one of those absolute 'knowings'.  I came to realize too that my strange case of Susan-I-Tis was not only because of caring too much about Susan Hayward, but also because I cared too much about Joanie and what 'something' told me would befall her. I believe my severe headaches were in sympathy for her, that I was taking on the pain that she would soon suffer. It is common for psychically sensitive people to take on the illnesses of others. You see·Joanie died just six weeks after my recovery. A brain aneurysm caused her death. A blood vessel burst in her brain while she was getting dressed for school. Elsie was helping her brush her hair when suddenly Joanie screamed, put both of her hands against each side of her head and said, 'Mommy, I hurt! My head hurts!' and then suddenly collapsed and died in her mother's arms."

End of Part Seven

Next Episode:

The Palomino

Top of Page

©2001 Walden Welch. All Rights Reserved. Reproduction in whole or in part in any form or medium without the express written permission of Walden Welch is prohibited.