"Saturn's Return"

Chapter 20

"In Touch With His Soul

The Adult Years"

Gina Cerminara's biographical interview

with Walden Welch continues·

I did not then realize how truthful her words would prove to be, for my Saturn Return was that time in my life when I had to experience my greatest tests of faith.

Dr: "Exactly as Reverend Shannon had predicted you would!"

WW: "Yes. However, I did not recall Pearl's earlier prediction at the time I did this lady's Reading.  A few days later Evelyn telephoned me to book an appointment for an Astrological Reading for a girlfriend of hers from Los Angeles who was coming to San Francisco for a visit. The day they arrived at my home for her friend's Reading, I noticed Mrs. Robbins wearing a new mink hat. It was then that the recollection of Reverend Pearl's prediction regarding this situation came to mind! As predicted, her friend handed me $15.00 for my services. Being jobless I accepted the money. My professional career began that day!"

Dr: (Laughing) "Ha! Exactly as predicted! How amusing!"

WW: "My relationship with Mother Pearl opened a whole new world of extraordinary experiences for me. I kept my promise to attend her spiritual and psychic development classes. The benefits I received from her training was phenomenal. She taught me how to trust my psychic instincts and how to beckon my spirit guides to assist me for whatever purposes needed. Naturally I also received her psychic guidance whenever a matter of importance came into my life. Pearl performed dozens and dozens of Readings for me, all meaningful and informative, and all amazingly accurate. 'No need for you to look for another job. You were fired because you needed to be. You would never have quit that meaningless job had you not been fired. It is time for you to begin your destined career. You were born to be a psychic and astrologer, not a mail boy, my Dear,' she said to me during class one day. 'I hear your telephone ringing. It will never stop ringing. Clients need you. You will be booked several months in advance in no time!' True to her words my telephone never stopped ringing and it still hasn't to this very day. One client recommended another, that client another, and so on. In no time at all I was booked several months in advance. I was now a professional astrologer and would continue to be for the rest of my lifetime."

Dr: "On a more personal note, did you use the suggestions Reverend Shannon made to you regarding healing the problems between you and your father? Did you use her affirmation and visualization techniques?"

WW: "Yes, every night I would visualize my father's face in my mind's eye before going to sleep. After doing this visualization I repeated the words Pearl Shannon had directed me to speak."

Dr: "May the divine love in you meet the divine love in me to form a better understanding?"

WW: "Those are the words, and they worked! It was shortly after I started using this affirmation that my parents came to San Francisco to visit Stephen and I. My mother and father both liked Stephen, as I knew that they would. Stephen has an incredible charisma. He exudes self confidence and good self esteem with his independent 'this is who I am - take it or leave it' attitude.  He is always himself and tries to impress no one. He respects himself as he respects others. He is independent, stubborn, incredibly generous and kind. Stephen is all that I would wish to be. I knew my parents could not fail to like him. They did not ask us anything personal about our relationship. They arrived with the attitude that they had accepted our relationship. They had resolved whatever issues they may have had amongst themselves. I know Mom would have accepted my relationship with Stephen had she liked him or not. Mom once said to me, 'I want you to know that there is no one in this world who will ever be good enough for you. However I will unconditionally accept whomever you choose to love. It's just the way mothers are.' Mom did like Stephen however. She seemed to be very enchanted by him in fact. After my parent's first visit in 1963 we four exchanged visits with each other twice a year until 1973."

Walden in 1963

Dr: "Well it appears that your own personal relationship with your father improved greatly?"

WW: "Yes, in many ways it did. As Pearl had directed, I did daily prayer that the two of us would come to learn to accept one another. I used the information Pearl and Doctor Stafford had given regarding my father;s and my past lifetimes together. I tried to end the rivalry the he and I had regarding my mother's love. I consciously tried to surrender my mother's love for me to my father. I did all that I could to make him feel that he was the important man in her life and not I."

Dr: "And this tactic worked? You truly feel that it improved your relationship with Bud?"

WW: "It did. Indeed it did. I know of course that the fact I was no longer living at home eased our tension too. I was no longer on his turf so to speak. I was no longer daily competition for Mom's affection. I was no longer daily competition for him. I also believe that he was ashamed of how he had cast me out of his house by stating that he wished me dead. The first time Stephen and I went to Bakersfield to visit my parents we were not certain as to what to expect regarding our sleeping arrangements. I had planned that he sleep in the guest room and that I would sleep on the sofa. After dinner the four  of us watched TV. Around 10:00 PM that night my father said, 'We'll I'm tired and have to turn in now. Julie you better come to bed too. You've had too much excitement today having the boys here. We'll see you fellows in the morning. Your bed has already been made in the guest room.'  My father's kindness greatly touched my heart. His gesture in allowing us to share a bed showed that he was allowing me to be who I was and that he had worked through his personal prejudice and had come to accept and respect my personal lifestyle choice.  Stephen already had an honest and open relationship with his mother, Lydia. As I have already stated, Stephen 'was who he was·take it or leave it!', so he was straightforward with his mother regarding his lifestyle and his relationship with me from the very beginning. He and his mother Lydia were the very closest of friends. They both loved and adored each other. Lydia was very accepting of me and the three of us became very, very close from the very beginning of our relationships. Steven and I never discussed our personal relationship with Stephens' stepfather, Herman. Herman was, however, a very sophisticated man and too gentlemanly to ever ask any personal questions. He would not have cared anyway. Of this I am certain. Herman was a very open minded and non-judgmental."

Dr: "What was Stephen's and his family's reaction to your unusual career choice as well as your unconventional religious beliefs."

WW: "Stephen is a deeply spiritual person. He too believes in reincarnation and life after death. He himself has had numerous psychic experiences and has had visitations from spirits. He never shares his experiences with anyone other than myself, however. His mother also shares our beliefs. She is fascinated with metaphysics. I have even taught her how to set up horoscopes and taken her to have psychic readings with Reverend Shannon on several occasions. My belief in metaphysics and my astrological work are a bonus to our relationship. We talk for hours upon hours on these subjects every time we get together. Herman, although skeptical, keeps an open mind."

Dr: "What were Lydia's reactions to Reverend Shannon's Readings?"

Reverend Pearl Shannon in 1983

WW: "She was as impressed with Pearl's amazing gift as I was! I sat in on the first Reading Lydia had with Pearl. Pearl immediately picked up the fact that Lydia was a nurse as well as a doctor's receptionist and that she was anxious to quit her job because the doctor she worked for was an extremely difficult man to deal with emotionally. When Pearl presented this assessment of her problem to her, Lydia agreed she was indeed correct and that, 'Yes, I plan to quit my job as soon as possible.' Pearl replied, 'No, my Dear. You will work another year for this man. I hate to relate negative news, however my spirit companion Dr. Stafford tells me that this man whom you work for will soon enter the spirit world. I am being shown a series of pictures. The time of his passing will be just before Easter coming. I see the doctor enter into his office. He tells you that he is feeling extremely tired and needs to take a short nap before seeing his next client. He tells you to delay the next patients visit for twenty minutes.  I see the doctor lying down on a divan in his office. He loosens his necktie, lies back and closes his eyes. Twenty minutes later you knock on his office door to awaken him. He does not reply. You enter his room and walk to his side and nudge his arm to awaken him but he does not respond. It is then that you notice he has passed into the next world. You have had many past life experiences with this entity and you owe him a great deal. He needs you to handle his estate matters and you will remain in his employment for another year. After that I see you and your husband moving north of San Francisco. I see redwood trees surrounding you. You will be living in the country, not at the sea, but near it. This move will not be a happy one for you, but you will need this experience in isolation to venture inward into your spiritual self for you have further learning to do.' Following these comments, Pearl went on to tell Lydia that a lady from the spirit world by the name of Cookie had entered the room. The very mention of the name Cookie bought tears to Lydia's eyes and I watched as she placed a hand over her mouth to muffle her cries.  'Cookie tells me that she is your Grandmother, not by birth but by friendship. She tells me that the two of you had a disagreement many, many years ago and that because of this disagreement you severed your relationship with her. She tells me she has come to apologize to you for it was she who was wrong, not you. She says, "I was a very vain and stubborn woman who put pride in front of integrity. Please forgive me for it is I who was wrong. I love, and have always loved you and deeply regret my error." 'She has a dog with her named Peggy. Do you recognize this woman and this dog?' asked Pearl. Lydia turned pale and tears formed in her eyes. It was obvious she was shocked or overwhelmed by the information she had received. She sat in her chair, speechless, nodding her head yes to acknowledge the fact that she did recognize this woman and her dog companion.  She began crying so hard that she had to leave the room. Pearl had to discontinue the session to calm her."

Dr: "So Lydia did recognize this spirit who introduced herself as Cookie, or by way of presenting cookies, and her companion dog named Peggy?"

WW: "She told Pearl that everything she had said about her and Cookie's past conflict was true and that Cookie was indeed her grandmother by choice and not birth. Peggy was Cookie's dog in life."

Dr: "And what about the prediction Pearl made regarding the doctors death? Did this prediction prove true?"

WW: "It came to pass shortly before Easter Sunday of that year exactly as Pearl had foretold it. Lydia had several other Sittings with Mother Pearl, all equally as impressive. She told me her that sessions with Pearl where amongst the most memorable moments of her life."

Dr: "As they were for you?"

WW: "Most definitely so."

Dr: "Can you share another experiences in which you had, what you would consider to be, a remarkably accurate reading by Reverend Pearl Shannon?"

WW: "Of course, dozens. I have so many stories in mind. Let me begin with these."

Dr: "Perfect!"

WW: "One of my favorite Pearl moments·some of the funny moments I shared with her I called 'Pearl moments,' was when I went to visit her one morning and she answered her front door wearing a frumpy old pink chenille bathrobe. On her feet she wore baby blue slippers which stood out like a sore thumb in contrast to the pink robe. Her hair was all matted and mangled and she had forgotten to freshen her lipstick which was smeared near ear to ear. Her frazzled appearance so took me by surprise that before thinking I blurted out, 'For God sakes Pearl you look like hell! What in the world has happened to you?' 'Nothing's happened from this world, Dear,' she replied while ushering me into her kitchen and pouring us both a cup of coffee. 'The problem comes from the next world. That's why I'm worn out. Spirits can be so selfish at times! One must learn to control them. I NEVER allow spirits to bother me on my off hours. I insist they appear during my working hours only.' She passed me a plate of oatmeal cookies (her favorite kind) and then continues, 'Well·last night I was lying in bed reading a Jacqueline Suzanne novel when all of a sudden from the corner of my eye I noticed a female spirit standing by the side of my bed. Without looking at her I sternly commanded, "You will not disturb me at this hour! My working hours are from 10:00 AM until 3:00 PM. If you wish to make contact with me you may do so during that time period and that time period only!" "But Pearl!" the spirit replied, "It's me! It's your old girlfriend Margaret! I am being re-born again in the morning and I just wanted to say goodbye to you. I will have lost all my former conscious memory in my new body and I just wanted to say goodbye," the spirit lady stated.  'I cannot begin to tell you how embarrassed I was!' Pearl remarked. 'The spirit was Margaret Mead, my best friend from my childhood days! "Oh Margaret do forgive me!" I said as I put her book aside and looked up at her. I had no idea you had passed on. We haven't seen each other in years. Please forgive me. What is it I can do for you?" I asked. "Well, Dear", Margaret replied, "I am going to reincarnate in a few hours from now as a little Jewish boy by the name of Epstein." When I asked Margaret where and when she would incarnate, Margaret stated she was to incarnate around 2:00 AM at Mount Zion Hospital on Divisadero Street here in San Francisco. Well, my goodness, I exclaimed! I felt the least I could do is drive to the hospital and wait in delivery room for little Epstein to be re-born. That seemed the only decent thing to do, and so I did. I saw the father and his parents there. Naturally I did not tell them who I was or why I was there. I just sat quietly reading a magazine waiting for little Epstein to be born. Shortly after he was born his family was allowed into the nursery to see him. I waited for them to leave. By then it was 4:30 AM and I was exhausted! When the family finally left the hospital I did a rather naughty thing· I lied! I lied and told the nurses that I was the baby's maternal grandmother and I had come to see the baby. They believed me! Oh my what a lovely baby!  They named him Oliver Epstein and I have everything you need to cast his Chart! Here is his exact birth date, time and place!,' she said as she handed me a small piece of paper on which she had scribbled the statistics. 'Naturally I will pay you for your work, dear. Oliver was born at 2:00 AM sharp·just as Margaret had said he would be,' Pearl concluded excitedly."

Dr: (laughing) "Oh Dear! Oh Dear! How funny! What an absolutely wonderful experience to share! That was delightful!"

WW: (laughing) "It's true! Every word of it! That wonderful woman's world of reality consisted of countless such happenings. On a more serious note·one day Pearl looked up to me and said, with tears in her eyes, 'Oh Dear, spirit can be so terribly thoughtful and kind.' After making that comment she blew her nose and continued. 'They are building a pretend hospital. Isn't that sweet? They can be so heart-breakingly kind.' She wiped her eyes and reached over and held my hand tightly. 'What's the matter Pearl? I don't understand what you mean. Sprit is being so kind about what?' I asked. 'Well, Doctor Stafford had just given me the most awful news! There is to be a terrible earthquake in Guatemala this afternoon around 4:00 PM. Several hundred people will die. The earthquake will happen so suddenly that those who are to die will not at first realize they have passed over, and so spirit is building a pretend hospital for them to rest in until they become aware they have passed on. Isn't that sweet?'"

Dr: "And now I believe you are going to tell me that an earthquake struck Guatemala that day around 4:00 PM?"

WW: "That is correct! Yes, I swear to you that an earthquake did occur in Guatemala that very day. Several hundred people died in that earthquake which struck shortly after 4:00 PM just as Reverend Shannon had predicted. I cut the story out of the newspaper and saved it for verification."

Dr: "I am amazed and inspired!"

WW: (laugh) "This funny Pearl moment just came to mind. This remembrance is about Pearl and her Indian Spirit Guides. Spiritualist Mediums frequently use Indian Spirit Guides to help them in their work. They consider Indians to be the most spiritually evolved of all souls because they are in such harmony with nature and the elements.  Well anyway·Pearl and I quickly became friends. She and her mother Carrie would frequently visit Stephen and I at our apartment on Divisadero Street. 'Be sure to phone me before you leave your house,' I would ask Pearl. 'It isn't easy to find a place to park in front of our apartment. I will stand out on the street and try to hold a place for you.' 'Oh don't be silly!' she replied. 'I always take my Indian Spirit Guides along with me when I travel. They always find me the perfect parking space. Never once have they failed me. Besides that they love coming along with mother and I on our drives.'  Now Gina, I absolutely swear to you that every time Pearl and Carrie would pull up in front of my apartment a car would pull out the moment before they arrived. Pearl would pull in just as sweet as you please. 'I told you so!' she said to me. 'They never fail me! Indians are the best navigators in the world! Our car was just loaded with them today! Everybody came along for the drive!'"

Dr: (laughing) "Delightful! That is a wonderful Pearl moment!"

WW: "I have to admit that I, too ,call on Indian Spirit Guides to find parking places for me. I know it sounds crazy but it works. It really works! I learned the trick from Pearl. 

"Oh yes! Here's another funny Pearl Moment! One day while visiting I asked Pearl, 'I never asked you before, but just out of curiosity, what is it your husband Joe does for a living?' Pearl paused for several moments, looked terribly embarrassed, then began batting her eyelashes as if in confusion. 'Oh Dear!' she said finally. 'I was afraid you were going to ask me that. I wish you hadn't. It is rather embarrassing to tell you what it is that Joe does to earn his living.. I dread telling you Dear.' 'But why?' I asked. 'Because the answer rather startles people. You see Dear·Joe is an Undertaker by profession.' 'Well there is nothing the matter with that,' I replied. 'Don't you think it's rather bazaar Dear? Its kind of like Joe buries them and I dig them up!'" 

Dr: (laugh) "Oh, this is fun! Thank you again!"

WW: "I suppose I should get back to more serious matters now. I have dozens of tales of Pearl that I could tell but I should keep to the important instances in which she aided my life with her phenomenal gift.

"One afternoon in 1965 Pearl looked at me strangely. She stared blankly into my face for several moments, a glazed look in her eyes. Suddenly she blurted, 'Oh Dear! I see you and Stephen moving! Danger is coming to your neighborhood and I see the two of you moving away.' She was in a trance state. 'There is nothing for the two of you to fear. Neither of you will be hurt. I see windows being broken on homes to the left and the right of you, but your home will not be endangered. You two are divinely protected and no harm will come to you.' What Pearl was foreseeing was the racial violence that was soon to occur in San Francisco as well as other major cities throughout the nation. This was the period of the Hippie Movement and the spiritual kindnesses of that movement had diminished with the passing of time. The once spiritually idealistic Flower Children had fallen in to a lifestyle of hard drugs, free sex and other decadences. This period also was a time of racial unrest. Blacks protested social inequalities to Whites. A radical group called The Black Panther Party formed. Stephen and I lived in an interracial area of the city. Several Panther members lived in our neighborhood. As the anger spread, city buses were vandalized, as were businesses and homes in our neighborhood. Panther leader Eldridge Cleaver and his wife Kathleen lived on Pine Street which was just around the corner from Stephen's and my apartment. We watched as police surrounded The Clever home and arrested them and drug them off to prison that fateful day back in the Sixties. As usual Pearl was correct in her clairvoyance. Violence and danger did surround Stephen and I. Windows were broken to the left and the right of us but as she had predicted, Stephen and I remained unharmed.

"'I see you moving north of San Francisco in less than four years. I see you living in a small rural community which is located somewhere between Napa and Russian River.  I see you and Stephen driving through this area in your car. Suddenly Stephen hits the brakes and comes to a stop. He has stopped because he sees a building that has fascinated him and he wants to take a photograph of it. He tells you how beautiful the old building is. It is then that you notice a For Sale sign that has been nailed to a large oak tree on the right side of this Mediterranean style building. I see Stephen writing the name and address of the real estate broker whose name is on that sign. It is hard for me to make out the print but I believe the words I am seeing are "Columbus Ditto" written on that sign. This building sits on a highway which is a 3. The address of the building is the number 8. I see the two of you contacting the realtor to make an appointment to see this building. Three weeks later you view it but decide it would be too expensive to fix up. Three months later I see you buying it and moving in. Spirit tells me that it is your destiny to work from this building and in this location. You will have great success in this location. Clients will come to you from all over the world. Your psychic work will be enhanced by this location. You will be honored with notoriety and fame. However, I do not see you happy living in this location. I am told that you will never be able to leave this location until you learn to love it.'

"I did not pay any attention to this reading at the time Pearl gave it. It made no sense to me whatsoever. My life in San Francisco was so happy that I could never imagine living elsewhere.  Besides that my career was very successful.  I was conducting five or six Readings per day and booked several months in advance. It would not make sense for me to risk giving up my career and moving away. Besides that Stephen and I had the antique shop as well as his job at Roos-Atkins clothing store. I felt certain Pearl was off target with that Reading given to me that day in 1965."

Walden at Divisadero Street Shop

Dr: "And were her predictions off target in this Reading?"

WW: (laugh)  "Of course not! As usual Pearl was on target. In 1968 Stephen and I decided to spend a few days at his parents' summer home in Cazadero, California. It's a small community tucked into the Redwood Forests area of Russian River in Northern California. You may recall that Pearl had also predicted that Stephen's parents would move to a location where they would be, 'surrounded by redwood trees·not at the sea, but near it.' A few years after Pearl had given Lydia that prediction, Lydia and her husband retired and moved to their summer home in Cazadero, California. Anyway, as I was saying, Stephen and I had decided to spend a few days at his parents' home in Cazadero. As we were driving north on Highway 101 Stephen asked if I would mind taking a side trip through the wine country and visit a little town named Sonoma. I said I would like that and so we visited the small town for a few hours. Stephen had mapped out our route from there to Russian River. We were to take Hwy 12 (the number 3 in numerology) west to Santa Rosa then northwest onward to Cazadero. On the outskirts of Sonoma, in a little unincorporated community named Agua Caliente, Stephen spotted an interesting old Mediterranean style building along side the highway. The building looked totally vacated and badly in need of repair. 'Wow! What a great looking building!' he said to me."

Dr: "Wait! Don't tell me. The building was a number 8? Am I right?"

WW: "You are! The address was 17000 Hwy 12."

Dr: "In numerology 17000 would be an 8 of course and, naturally, Hwy 12 would be a three. And I assume you are going to tell me that it took you three weeks to get to see the building and three months later you purchased it?"

WW: (Laugh) "Gina you must be psychic! Yes that is exactly what happened. It all transpired exactly as Reverend Shannon had predicted three years before that time."

Dr: "And who was Columbus Dito?"

WW: "Columbus Realty on Columbus Street in San Francisco was the company handling the sale of the property. Mr. John Dito was the name of the real estate salesman."

Dr: "Amazing! Absolutely amazing!"

WW: "Even more amazing was the fact that shortly after Stephen and I purchased the property Pearl Shannon arrived for a visit unannounced! One morning I was alone in the building painting the interior walls in the shop section of the building when I heard the doorbell ring.  I set my can of paint on the floor and went to answer the door. Standing there was none other that The Reverend Pearl Shannon·(laugh) and her dear Friend Doctor Stafford of course! I was so stunned to see her standing there at the front door that I dropped my paintbrush. 'Pearl!' I exclaimed, 'What in the world are you doing here?' 'I was just driving by,' she replied, 'and spirit told me you were inside so I stopped to pay you a visit. Actually my chiropractor lives in this town and I have an appointment with him for an adjustment. My Indian Guides and Doctor Stafford insisted that I stop to see you for they were all certain that you were here within the walls of this building.' (Laugh) This is a true event. I was literally dumbfounded."

Dr: "As am I! Knowing how successful you have been in your career I am certain the Pearl's prediction regarding your success in your new community proved true as well?" 

WW: "Yes it did. My San Francisco clients did not find the fifty mile trip to Sonoma to be an inconvenience to them in order to see me for their Readings, and in no time at all new clients emerged from just about everywhere. I was amazed how I could be so successful living on a highway in such a remote little rural community named Agua Caliente. At first, following our move, Stephen commuted daily to his job in San Francisco. A couple of years after our reestablishment he quit his job at Roos-Atkins in San Francisco to run his antique shop full time. My office was set up in the back of the antique shop as it is to this day. Stephen would book my appointments while I consulted my clients. This was an ideal situation for me.  I became consistently booked with six in-person clients per day five days per week. I am surprised to say that nothing much has changed in my life since the day we moved to Sonoma County. Our working conditions have remained the same. We have both become successful in our careers."

Dr: "And what about your parents? What if any changes happened in Julia and Bud's lives during this period in time?"

WW: (Pause) "Mom never let me know the difficulties that might be happening in their lives. Although she and I wrote and phoned each other weekly she would always omit any unpleasant circumstances she was going through. She was afraid of worrying me. She would not even tell me if she had been hospitalized or suffered from congestive heart failure, nor would she permit my father to notify me if anything negative had occurred. I would become very upset with her for holding back unpleasant truths from me. I begged her to always keep me informed as to what was happing with her health .but my pleas did no good. Mom was determined that her problems were hers to bare and not mine.

"Many people have asked me if I do my own Chart. Of course I do! I suppose they think it would be too hard for me to be subjective by reading my own Chart. It isn't at all. I can sit down and transit my own Chart to see what will be transpiring in my life just as easily for myself as I can for others. One day in October of 1972 I took the time to work on my own Chart. I decided to progress my Chart a few years ahead in time to see what happenings might be in store for me?  I became extremely disturbed when I noted that I would be having two very difficult aspects occurring in the year ahead. One was that I was finalizing what is called a Saturn Return which takes place once every thirty years. This is a very major and difficult period of ones life which brings about much change and often times strife as well. The other transit was that Saturn would be squaring my natal Moon in Pisces in February of 1973. This transit denotes, 'sorrow or death to the mother figure.' Greatly alarmed by this realization I erected my father's natal chart and discovered that he too was having Saturn square his natal Moon in Virgo the following February. In his case this would mean 'sorrow or loss of the wife.' We would both be undergoing this aspect in four months·February 1973. A few days after having aspected my Chart I received a late night phone call from my mother. 'Hi, Sweetie,' she said. 'I've got something I have to tell you.  I don't want you to be upset, but for the past couple of weeks I have been going through several heart tests.' 'Mama! Why didn't you tell me?' I asked the question so quickly it almost appeared  I was angry. 'Now stop!' she replied. 'There wasn't anything to tell until now. They were just tests and there was no reason to worry you until my doctor could get the results of these tests and interpret them for me.' I paused for a few seconds and drew a deep breath before asking, 'And?' She too then paused and I sat myself down knowing bad news was going to be delivered. 'Are you sitting down Sweetie?' she asked. 'Yeah Mom,' I answered cautiously. 'I know what you're going to tell me. You're going to tell me that the doctors want you to have another heart surgery aren't you?' 'Yes. They think that I won't survive too much longer unless they operate again.' She had spoken my greatest fear. I took another deep breath trying to keep my voice from sounding shaky and nervous. 'When? When do they want you to have the operation?' I asked with as little emotion as possible. However I already knew what her answer would be. 'In February,' she replied. I thought about the planetary aspects taking place to my father's and my Natal Charts. In February of 1973 Saturn would square our Moons·'sorrow and loss to the wife and the mother.' 'The doctors want me to make a decision whether I want to have this surgery as soon as possible. What do you think I should do, Sweetie?' she asked. 'Mama, you told me once that you never wanted to ever go through the pain of heart surgery again. You said that you would rather die than face another heart surgery. If that's true then I don't want you to do this for me or for Dad. I don't want you to have to suffer for us. You always said that if it was your destiny to die by being hit by a car then that would be the way you would go. You said that you believed in fate and destiny and that you would go only when it was your time. So, please·think about it for a while and choose what you think is best for you.' 'I have thought about it and I must be honest with you. The doctors said I would not be able to live without the surgery. They also stated that I might only have a ten percent chance of making it through the operation.'  I took several deep breaths and shook my head back and forth violently. I seemed to be in a nightmare and I was hoping to awaken myself from it. As if she could see my pain she added, 'But what do they know? They all have different opinions. I made it through two previous heart surgeries and I'm sure I can make it through this one. This time I have to have my mitral valve replaced. My last bout with rheumatic fever damaged it badly and there is no other way it can be prepared.' 'Then you have decided to have the operation?' I asked. "'Yes. I figured I would rather die trying than not try at all. The doctor doesn't believe I have much of a chance of surviving without this surgery so I feel I must try. Is that an Aries thing?' she laughed. 'It sure is Mama,' I answered. 'It's called courage and determination. Since you have made your choice we will do all we have to do to get you through this successfully.' 'One last thing, Sweetie?' I knew what she was going to ask before she asked it. 'Let's not tell your father what the doctors said about my chances of surviving this surgery o.k?  He would worry too much. I told him I had about an 80% chance of pulling through the operation. It's best he think this so he doesn't worry too much. Let's keep this to ourselves o.k?' 'Sure, Mom,' I replied. 't's just like you to worry about everybody except yourself! Damn it! Why is this happening? I love you so much, Mom. I am so sorry this is happening!

"I spent Thanksgiving 1972 with my parents in Bakersfield. It was during this visit that I discovered several hidden truths which Mom had chosen to keep secret from me. One was the fact that my father had been diagnosed with Parkinson's disease and was unable to work any longer. I well remembered Reverend Pearl saying that, 'In several years forward, perhaps twelve, your father will be told he has Parkinson's Disease. Don't let the doctors treat him for that malady. He does not have that disease. He was an alcoholic and I see that he has damaged brain cells on the lower lobe of his brain.' Whether Pearls diagnosis was correct or not I could only guess. However, the doctors were treating him for Parkinson's disease. His hands shook with palsy and he could barely hold a cup or a spoon. His inability to work had forced my parents into near poverty. Mom had not disclosed any of this information to me prior to my Thanksgiving visit. 'Please don't tell anyone about your father and I being on welfare, Sweetie,' she asked me. Mom was very proud and being at the mercy of welfare shamed her. 'I will tell you something though,' she continued, 'Don't let anyone tell you that being on welfare is so bad. Your dad and I have never had it as easy as this before. Whereas we used to skimp to save money by eating chicken wings and backs we can now afford to eat legs and thighs and even chicken breasts. My medicines are paid for now, too. This is the best we have ever had it financially.'

"The final secret Mom had hidden from me I discovered that Thanksgiving Day. While I was helping her prepare dinner, Dad had driven to the market to pick up a few items. Although he hadn't been gone very long Mom kept looking at the clock on the kitchen wall. She seemed to be terribly nervous and agitated for some reason. Dinner was doing well in the oven and so I asked her to come into the family room with me so she could rest and we could talk. A few minutes later I heard my father enter the house. He was being excessively noisy. He slammed the back door rather than closing it normally and I could hear thumping and crashing sounds as if he had either fallen or dropped something heavy. I stood up to turn around to go and see what was happening. Before I could do so Mom grabbed me by an arm preventing me from leaving. She had a desperate look upon her face. 'Mom, what is the matter?' I asked unknowingly. I took her hand off my arm and turned around to face my father who had now entered the room. He had a grotesque and drunken look on his face. He was smiling but his smile was more of a grimace. His hair was tasseled and uncombed and the smell of whisky soured the air in the room. He was desperately drunk and clung to the back of his easy chair to brace himself from falling. 'Hello, me boy!' he belted. 'It's your old dad come to wish you a Happy Thanksgiving Day!' My heart sunk into my chest. I was not prepared for what was happening. I looked at Mom quizzically. Tears formed in her eyes and her face flushed red. I felt heartsick for her for I could see she was shamed and humiliated. She grabbed the oxygen mask from the tank behind her chair and started breathing the pure air. 'Hark! Are you my begotten son?' my father asked poetically. He laughed at his Shakespearian attempt at humor. 'You didn't know your old man was a poet did you, boy?' Again he laughed. He threw his head back, opened his mouth wide and cackled in a mad, almost frightening manner. 'Your old man is many things you didn't know he was, me boy! I'm a drunk too! Did you know your old man was a drunk, boy?' he asked. 'No dad I didn't. I thought those days were over,' I answered cautiously. 'Well you know it now and who could blame me? This world is just a bucket of shit and people are just the flies that are attracted. Ha ha ha ha !' he laughed, greatly amused by his quote from Daisy Clover from one of his favorite books, 'Inside Daisy Clover' by Garson Kanin. 'Yes sir, people are just the flies that are attracted. This world is nothing but hell, boy. What did your mother and I ever do to warrant this hell?' he asked seriously. 'I don't deserve this hell, God damn it! God knows your mother doesn't! Did I say "God"? Strike that! There is no God! I do not believe in God! If there is a God he has to be a sadist! What did your mother and I ever do to warrant the hell we are forced to live? I have asked your mother to die with me, boy. Did you know that? I want her to die with me! I want her to commit suicide with me but she refuses. Why the hell does she refuse?' I watched as Mom angrily threw aside her oxygen mask. Her face reddened with humiliation. She looked into my eyes and I knew then that what I was witnessing was all that she had tried to hide from me. 'Stop it Bud! You stop this right now! Go to bed! You go to bed!' she yelled. My father looked at her then slowly reached out an arm as if to touch her. 'I'm sorry Sweetheart,' he said. 'I just want the boy to know how things are.' No sooner had he spoken when suddenly he fell unconscious on the floor. I waited a moment or two then said to my mother that I would try to lift him and put him in bed. 'No,' she whispered. 'Don't wake him. Let him sleep. If he wakes he will never stop. He will go on for hours and hours. Just get a blanket and cover him. I want him to find himself like this when he awakens. I want him to remember what he has done.' I did as she asked of me. I removed a blanket and pillow from his bed, covered him, put the pillow near his head, and turned out the lights. Mom and I went into the living room to talk. 'Mama,' I asked, 'How long has he been drinking?' 'Since he found out I have to have another heart surgery,' she replied. 'It's be damned if I do and be damned if I don't. He tells me he drinks because of my bad health. He says he will kill himself if I die, yet he is killing himself because I live. What can I do?' She looked me seriously in the eye and continued, 'I want you to know that if I live through this upcoming heart surgery that I am going to leave your father.'  I had not expected to ever hear her speak these words. I was stunned that she had. 'But don't you love him?' I asked. 'Of course I love him. I have always loved him. I will always love him, but I love you too·and my mother, and my sisters and brothers and friends. He keeps me a prisoner here. He doesn't allow me to see anybody. If I take a trip to visit you or Grandma he threatens to drink while I am away. If I threaten to leave him he threatens to commit suicide. It's be damned if I do, be damned if I don't. Well, I will not be responsible for his misery anymore! He can do whatever he damn well chooses. If he should take his own life that is his choice and not mine. I know that now. I am not responsible. It has taken me years to realize this but I know this now. I cannot fight this battle to stay alive if he keeps holding me down. I must think about myself otherwise I won't make it.'

"Mom and I were too upset to have Thanksgiving dinner that night. Instead we sat and talked into the wee hours of the morning while my father slept quietly on the floor. My plane to San Francisco was to leave early that morning. I showered and dressed myself quietly hoping not to awaken my father. When I came into the family room to use the telephone to call a cab to take me to the airport I noticed that he was no longer asleep on the floor. Before I could dial the telephone he entered into the room fully dressed. 'I will drive you to the airport,' he said without looking into my eyes. 'Go say goodbye to your mother. I will meet you in the car. I entered into my mother's bedroom but found her asleep. She was so exhausted from the ordeal of the evening before that I did not have the heart to wake her. I kissed her gently upon the cheek and then quietly closed her bedroom door. My father and I did not speak as we drove to the airport. Both of us were too upset and embarrassed by last night's happenings to know what to say. The Bakersfield airport was small and not heavily traveled. Therefore, it was easy for him to find a place to park. After he did so he turned off the cars ignition and said quietly, 'I want you to know how sorry I am about last night.' He sounded so sincere that I could not help but feel sorry for him. 'I know that you are Dad,' I replied. 'What you saw last night won't happen again. I promise you that it won't,' he stated. "'Dad, you can't make that promise. I wish you could say it and mean it but you know that you can't,' I answered. 'I will promise to try never to do that again. I love your mother.  You know I love your mother?' he said again with deep sincerity. 'How can you say you love her when you hurt her this way?' I asked. 'Don't you realize how hard she is trying to survive what she has to face going through? You realize, of course, that she could die. She needs all the help and support she can get from us. Dad, if you truly love her you won't add to the problems she is already facing. I know why you are drinking. I know that you are afraid Mom will die. Don't you think I know what you are going through? I am going through it too but I have to pretend to be strong even though I feel as weak and frightened as you.' He reached across the car and grabbed my hand squeezing it tightly. I looked up into his face. He took a handkerchief from his back pocket then he covered his face with it and began to sob. I leaned across the seat and put my arms awkwardly around his neck, hugging him to me as tightly as I could. As the poor man cried I felt such pity for him that I too began to cry. 'I'm so sorry, Boy. I am so ashamed of myself,' he said. 'It's o.k. Dad. I understand. Please don't apologize anymore. I understand. We have a long ways to go before we get through this ordeal. We just have to pretend to be brave.' I held him to me for several moments until he quieted and then kissed him on the cheek. 'We have to be here for each other Dad. We need each others help and support.'

"Mom's surgery was scheduled for 7:30 AM on Thursday February 1^st 1973. She was scheduled to check into Stanford University Medical Center in Palo Alto, California on Monday January 29^th. Stephen and I booked reservation for two weeks at a nearby motel. My father, so far as I knew, had kept his promise to me not to drink following that Thanksgiving Day occurrence. However, when he and Mom arrived at the hospital he looked ashen gray and was suffering from a horrible chest congestion and cold. My Uncle Tony and his wife, Joyce, had driven them directly to the hospital from Bakersfield. It had been a long trip and the four of them looked terribly tired and weary. Full of anxiety, I had been able to get much sleep the night before leaving to meet them at Stanford. That dreaded dream about 'the single wilted red rose' had returned and I had restlessly tossed and turned all night long. After kissing me 'hello' Mom said, 'Honey, while I check into my room I want you to take your father to the clinic downstairs. I have made an appointment for him to have an examination and chest x-rays. He has a horrible cold and I am very worried about him.' I did as she asked. His examining physician stated it would be a few days before his test results were in. In the meantime preparations were underway for Mom's mitral valve replacement surgery. Her surgeon was to be the renowned Dr. Shumway, one of the worlds finest heart surgeons. He was to be assisted by his college Doctor Stinson. On January 31^st, the night before her surgery, both doctors and my father and I were gathered in Mom's hospital room as she was given final instructions and examinations before her surgery. After the doctors left Mom asked dad to leave the room for a few moments so that she could talk to me in private. This was, of course, that intimate moment in which she would make her last wishes known in case she did not survive her surgery. Next to the surgery it was the moment I feared the most, but I drew a deep breath and clenched my fists tightly to drain the nervous energy from my body. I sat beside her bedside and reached for her hand. I smiled as best I could for I was determined not to cry and further upset her. 'Mama, you won't be able to talk to me when your are in the intensive care unit after the surgery tomorrow, but I just want you to give me a hand signal like you are reaching for a cigarette and then I know you are all right.' I clicked my middle and forefingers together like a pair of scissors to show her what I meant. Most people did not realize it, but during that period of time many heart surgery patients suffered mental damage following their surgeries. This was caused by the recycling of blood through the heart lung machine. Sometimes the brain became too depleted of oxygen, or sometimes strokes took place. Psychiatrists began working with patients in the recovery room as early as possible to check to see if brain damage had occurred. I knew that if Mom should survive the surgery, and that if she could remember to give me this signal, then it would be unlikely she had suffered brain damage. She looked deeply into my eyes while squeezing my hand with her tiny fingers. 'Sweetie, I know how hard this is for you but I have a few things I need to say.' 'I know, Mama. Don't be upset if I cry. I know you have things you have to say now,' I answered. 'Sweetie,' she continued, 'If I don't make it through the surgery I want my mother to have the final say as to how I will be buried. You know that I had always planned to be cremated but your grandmother is very old fashioned Catholic and she doesn't believe in cremation, and so if she makes a fuss about that, please, let her have her way and let her plan my burial the way she wants it?' 'Of course, Mama. I promise I will let Grandma have her way·if that happens.' 'There are a couple of other things I want, too,' she continued. 'My funeral will be a Catholic one, of course. You don't know much about Catholic funeral ceremonies but Mass Money is given to the family following the ceremony. If I die many people will be there and it will be your duty as my son to collect this money and thank those who have given it. Now I want you to give the Priest only $500.00 as a donation for his services and to the church. Any other money that is left over I want you to give to The Martinez Family.' "'Who is The Martinez Family?' I asked. 'Mr. Martinez is that nice man in the hospital room next to mine. His wife and children had to mortgage their homes in order to be able to afford his heart surgery. They have very little money and I would like to help them financially.' 'Yes, Mama. I promise that if anything happens to you I will donate the money to The Martinez Family.' 'People will buy flowers for the funeral and after the service I want you to have them sent here to the hospital and to be given to any people in the heart ward who do not have flowers in their rooms. O.K.?' 'Yes, Mom, I promise,' I answered. 'I want Marilyn to have my pearl necklace,' she continued. With this one statement I knew she was acknowledging that Marilyn was her daughter, the fact that was never discussed between the two of us. 'I want you to give Marilyn my diamond wedding ring to save for her daughter Laura. When Laura grows up and marries it would be my wish that she marry with my wedding ring.' 'I would see to that, Mom,' I answered.  'Now, this is the most important thing I have to ask of you. Promise me that you will do as I say? If I do not survive this surgery I want you to promise me that you will NOT allow your father to destroy your life. You owe him nothing! Do you understand me? You owe him nothing!  Sweetie, I want your happiness more than I want anything else in this world. Don't let him take from you the happiness that you have finally acquired for yourself. Promise me that? Please promise me that? If he tries to burden you in anyway I want you to turn your back and walk away. Live your own life. You owe him nothing.' I was so upset by the sincerity of her words and the generosity of her requests that I could no longer prevent myself from crying. I began sobbing so hard that I could not answer her other than by nodding my head yes or no in way of reply. She reached across to the table next to her bed and pulled several Kleenexes from their box and handed them to me. 'Now dry your eyes. I want your father to come into the room in a moment. I know how hard this is for you but I want you to be here for a couple of moments while I talk to him. Before he comes in the final thing I want to say to you is that I love you more than anything in this world. You are everything good and wonderful I could ever have hoped for in a Son. You are also my dearest friend. There are no words to describe how much I love you. Now blow your nose and wash your face and then ask your father to come into the room.' I walked to the small washstand across the room and did as she asked. 'Good Lord! There is one last thing I forgot to ask!' she said cheerily. 'Needless to say I plan to do my best to survive this surgery and if I do I want you to promise me that you will let me eat the biggest, fattest shrimp I can eat! I have been on this damned salt free diet all my life and I am sick of it. If I live through this I want a salty, salty shrimp.' I turned to her and smiled and said, 'I promise you can have a shrimp, Silly. Maybe even two.' 'Sweetheart I know you believe in reincarnation. So do I. I want you to know that I like you and I love you so much that I want to have you back in my next life. I'll tell you where you can find me. I will be the lady who salts the potato chips at The Granny Goose Potato Chip Factory!' Her  humor made me laugh. I walked to her bed and hugged her closely to me and whispered, 'I love you more than you could ever know' into her ear. After that I walked to the door and opened it and asked my father to enter the room. 

Bud and Julia

I watched him walk to the side of her bed. He looked so much older than his 59 years. This tall man whom I had always feared now seemed so small and frail. He was skeletally thin and bent like a twig broken off a lifeless tree. Perhaps it was the Parkinson's Disease which caused this. More likely it was his fear of facing the fact he might soon loose his beloved wife, his only reason to live. He kissed her sweetly upon her lips then sat quietly in the chair beside her bed, his hands clutched in his lap, squeezed tightly together, his hopeful attempt to try to stop them from shaking due to his palsy.  I walked to where my father was seated and stood behind his chair. 'Bud, if I die·if I do not make it through this surgery·I want you to marry again,' Mom said quietly, with as little emotion as possible. I could see by the expression on my father's face that her words had deeply hurt him. 'Don't be ridiculous!' he answered. 'I could never love anyone other than you. I would NEVER marry again!'  'Well, I would marry again,' Mom answered. 'Life is lonely and I would not want to be alone. I do not want loneliness for you.' It was obvious from the look of hurt on my father's face that he did not understand Mom's good intentions. She paused for a moment then gently stroked his cheek with the fingers of her right hand. 'Sweetheart,' she continued, 'To marry again is not infidelity. I could never love anyone the same way I have loved you, but I would try to love somebody else just as deeply but in an entirely different way. I don't want you to be alone. If I die I want you to have someone to share your life with. That is why I wanted Wally to be here in the room while I tell you this. I want him to know I give my approval should you find someone else to share your life with.' Dad pulled his handkerchief out of his pocket. His hands shook so badly that he dropped it before his was able to wipe his eyes. I reached down and picked it up and handed it to him. 'Don't be silly,' he answered. 'I would NEVER marry again. How could I? I have had the best.' Mom looked deeply into my father's eyes then said, 'No you have not had the best! The best will come after you have survived the hardest day of your life. If you can survive the pain that my death will cause you then you will know that nothing else in this world could ever hurt you as much and then you will be free to continue your life without fear. If you survive the pain that my death will bring to you, you will meet a lovely little lady who has also suffered. She will say to you, "Please, please be kind to me. I too have lost my partner and I am alone and afraid." This lady will prove to be your great love. You and she will do all the things that you and I had planned but never found the time to do. Little things·important things·like holding hands and walking through fields of wild flowers, counting the stars late at night, sitting on the beach and watching the waves·enjoying all the beauty that God has created·the beauty that we forgot to truly enjoy. You won't care about who is president anymore or what the world political situations might be. That will all be behind you. Nor will you care about money of fortune for you have already had your careers. All that will matter to you is all that has mattered since the beginning of time; the little things we forgot to enjoy· the seashore, the flowers, the sky, and the seasons. You and she will take the time to see these things together; these simple things that you and I had forgotten to take the time to see. Please, I want you to have this experience Bud. You must go on living. You can have happiness again.' Dad laid his head upon Mom's breast and she patted him gently on the back the way a mother would a child. I smiled at Mom, then turned and exited the room. It was now my fathers time to be alone with her.

"By 7:00 AM the next morning, my father, grandmother, Aunt Lorraine, Cousin Irene, Stephen and I had all congregated in the hospital waiting room waiting for my mother to be brought in for surgery. We watched in silence as an elevator descended from the third floor for we knew that this would be the elevator she was on. As the doors opened we watched three surgical nurses dressed in green wheel the gurney holding my mother towards us. Sticking out from under the sheet we could see her hand excitedly waving at us. 'Hi everybody! Hi! Hi! HI!"' she said in her usual cheery little girl way. No matter what the circumstances Mama was always happy and excited to see those she loved. 'Here we go!' she said. 'Let's get this over with!' She tried to prop her self up on her elbows but was too weak to do so. One of the nurses lifted her head slightly so that she could see all who were in the room. 'I want someone to hold my hand for good luck and walk beside me into the operating room,' she said, as she studied our faces one at a time. 'I want someone very special to be with me.' She looked up into Stephen's face and then smiled. We watched as she extended her hand towards him. 'Please Stephen?"' she said, 'I want you to be the one.' 'Of course Julie,' he said as he placed her hand into his and began walking along side her as the nurses wheeled her towards the operating room. Even now, even though she was possibly experiencing her final conscious moment, she was showing us all that she approved of the person I had chosen to love. I did all that I could not to cry as I watched the two persons in this world whom I loved more than any others, walking hand in hand, trying to comfort each other as they walked through the surgery room doors."      

Stephen and Julie

Next:

"The Scissors"

Chapter 21 of

Gina Cerminara's

Biographical interview

With

Walden Welch

"In Touch With His Soul"

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